TAKEN: The Unofficial Guide To Proper Throat Chopping

Welcome to @andykoz’s Shame of January! Where all my wildest thoughts come out as 1’s and 0’s.

Throwing this out there: my style of write-ups aren’t for everyone. Just a warning.

This month was Pierre Morel’s 2008 breakout hit, “Taken”, starring Qui-Gon Jinn. Not categorized as a must-see classic but I have to say that this was the most fucking hyped up movie that I have come across in a long, long time. For some reason, when people reference it and I go, “Nah, I haven’t seen Taken” It boggles their mind and their head explodes. After I clean up that disgusting mess, I ask them “Why does this movie, above ALL other movies, matter?” and they respond with “Because Qui-gon Jinn is bad-ass in it”. Uh, O.K.? That’s the most you can say about the movie? Sometime I’ll also get the, “I dunno, man, it’s just awesome.”

………….

Listen, bro, you’re not selling that shit well. I’m not saying every fucking movie has to be perfect, but all you have is a, “I dunno, just see it” or “He’s bad ass!” and then you just shut up about it? Geez. You’re just making this movie sound so fucking appetizing. CAN’T FUCKING STAND THE TEMPTATION TO WATCH IT.

And this happens EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

I cracked. I gave in. I finally watched the, “Dunno, man, it’s cool as hell’ movie.

Image

After finishing it, I have ask the fans . . . why? Why is THIS movie “the shit”, above all other action thrillers that have come out in the last decade or so? Have you seen “The Raid: Redemption” or “The Professional’? Hell, I’ll even throw in the first fucking “Bourne” movie into the mix.

Don’t get me wrong, it had its moments. All the adrenaline fueled split seconds when you realize Qui-Gon Ginn is about to just fucking break some shit (or people) . .  . man those were fucking satisfying. Big ass smile on my face. But how many moments like that were there in the film, maybe five or six? Three seconds of “awwwwwwwwsshhiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttt!!!!” moments doesn’t really help balance out the other 93 minutes run time.

There were moments I sat there and thought that watching “Tekken” over “Taken” would have been better. Then I realized that was an idiotic thought and continued to watch.

Personally, my favorite Qui-Gon Jinn moments were the ones outside of the fighting scenes where you could see the fuel building up for the fire. He truly cares for his daughter, Kim, whom he protects and holds close to his heart. Tints to his background and previous character traits were subtle and brushed off. The only characteristic that was shown was that he, at one point, was a shitty dad. Despite all of that, some odd reason, you have sympathy for him. plus it helps his cause when Famke Janssen is a TOTAL bitch to him throughout. Seriously though, not a lot of extra info about ANYONE who participates in this movie. Do you really need to know? I guess not but I would like to know more than the fact that Kim is 17 and overly protected. What kind of pudding does she like? What salon does she go to? Does she file, paint, or clip her fingernails? THESE are the important, little things I want to fucking know!

One of the unusual parts of this movie was that there was no big, bad antagonist but more of a series of smaller antagonists who, together, made up the overarching villian. Unfortunately, I do not mean like when the Power Ranger Zords combine together and make an even more bad-ass Megazord.  Sure, there ended up being one, kinda sort main guy(total of like 5 minutes of screen time?), but even to that extent, he had so many imortnat evil layers to bypass before you reached him, he never felt like the single, main enemy. All the small pieces – henchmen, group boss, shitty tattoo artists – they all felt like the worst people in the world when Qui-Gon Jinn was fighting them because you sit there thinking, “Is this him?! Is this the dude that kidnapped Qui-Gon’s daughter? FUCKING BASTARD!” then it just turns out the bad guy on screen is just part of someone else’s main plan. It keeps on going and going like this. Some say that’s how the second movie is even possible. Seems like the match-up ladder you have to climb in MORTAL KOMBAT the arcade game.

Best part of this movie were the fucking kung-fu moves Qui-Gon Jinn had. That fucking throat chop move – BICKITYBAM! Right in your esophagus. Lay down, mothfucka! . . . SHIT, that had to hurt. Turns out, an ex-CIA agent or whatever is really good with a gun, too. Why use a gun when you chop the shit out of someone’s throat? I ask myself that question everyday.

I feel like the movie was almost too to-the-point or matter-of-fact. It had absolutely no extra fat to trim. It’s almost in-your-face about it with the short 93 minute run time. So much that it seems like someone needs to stuff the movie carb heavy foods or empty calorie sodas to gain some substance. Maybe we live in a time of excess story and plot, making movies like “Taken” seem like a breath of fresh air. If that’s the case, fine, but in an action movie like this, just give me longer and more intense fight scenes like “The Raid: Redemption” and then maybe I’ll forget this ever happened. 6 ouf 10 “Who Gives a Shits”

Now excuse me while I bask in almighty glory that is “Crank 2: High Voltage.”

Maybe I’ll write differently next time. Nah.

-Andy

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